Age Eleven: Wins four consecutive piano competitions after his mother complains about all that wall space.

Age Twelve: Gets a blowjob in a bathroom stall at Skate King from a Russian princess named Natasha... or Nadja... or something.

Age Thirteen: Runs away from home with friend from Junior High and sleeps in a Greyhound bus station for three nights living off Doritos and Yoohoo.

Age Fourteen: Officially loses virginity to a friend’s foreign exchange student whose name was... um... one he has never had to use since.

Age Fifteen: Writes his first play, titled: “Yellow Leather Loveseat” about arranging furniture in a mental institution. It’s a finalist at the Young Playwrights Festival, but loses to an autobiographical piece about some girl in Tennessee who loses her mother due to ovarian cancer. Awwwwwww.

Age Sixteen: Held under arrest at a rave in West Seattle with a glowstick in his mouth. Alters his brain chemistry for the long-haul and probably hasn't had a deep thought since.

Age Seventeen: This was an insubstantial year that he doesn't feel like talking about much.

Age Eighteen: Attends college/Moves to New York. Life was supposed to begin...

Funny, how destiny makes fools out of us.