Age Two: He walks--and talks.

Age Three: Traumatized by Dumbo and Captain Eo. One instigates a lifelong fear of elephants, the other instigates a lifelong fear of Michael Jackson.

Age Four: Almost dies of the chicken pox. After approximately twenty oatmeal baths, he hasn't touched oatmeal since.

Age Five: Swims laps at the Eastside YMCA till he convinces himself he is a porpoise. Decides he wants to be in the next Olympics.

Age Six: Practices cartwheels in the aisle of a synagogue and is forced to write a letter of apology, which is later, published in the local paper.

Age Seven: Decides to move to New York City and design geometrically implausible skyscrapers.

Age Eight: Gets kicked off the swimming team for not staying within the lanes.

Age Nine: Whores himself at Christmas Parties playing "Jingle Bells" like a third-rate Joplin.

Age Ten: Undergoes two surgeries in Houston, TX for ear canal construction. Although they were successful, it will take ten years to gain full hearing.